What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My ATM looks so different sober.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
