apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
