so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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