i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
