I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We got so high we made milksteak
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
