Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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