Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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