it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
