it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I am spending my child support on dildos
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
