shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
