Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
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I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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