just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
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I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
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My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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