so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
