Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
