I'm going to jail i love you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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