Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
