i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
