I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
