I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
