i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
