You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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