at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
