She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Green mimosas i think yes
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
