dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
