I'm eating all of the evidence.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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