At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
