she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you would pick up someone in the library
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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