The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
