I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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