Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
