I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i now understand why vodka
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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