Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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