Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
