Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
