I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
