The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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