never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
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Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
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You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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