i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
