I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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