The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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