did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
