You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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