I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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