Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
