The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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