my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
