So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
