They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
