how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
