Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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