OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
