dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
