Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
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I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
The ass gains better be worth it
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