The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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