did you get engaged???
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
